CHARACTERS

 

DIANE                                          A vibrant married woman in her 60’s–Joe’s wife

 

JOE                                               A somewhat jaded married man in his 60’s–Diane’s husband

 

DIANE (60’s) and JOE (60’s) have been married for 35 years. They’re seated at the kitchen table. JOE has a big bowl of hard boiled eggs and is making deviled eggs.

 

JOE

My hard boiled egg exploded in the microwave.

 

DIANE

You tried to hard boil an egg in the microwave?

 

JOE

It was already hard boiled. I just put it in there to heat it up and then….SPLAT! No. Wait. More like… “Rat a tat tat!” Egg bits everywhere!

 

DIANE

I tried cooking scrambled eggs in the microwave the other day.

 

JOE

Not in your favorite frying pan on the stove top?

 

DIANE

I wanted to try something new. So I used a whisker and whipped ‘em up in a coffee cup. Two minutes and voila! Ate my breakfast right out of my coffee cup. Delish!

 

JOE

Well, just don’t try to heat up a hard boiled egg! Take it from me.

 

DIANE

I even tried making an omelette once, but that’s a no-go in the microwave.

 

JOE

I do like deviled eggs. How come we never make ‘em anymore? We used to always make ‘em when the kids were younger. I bet they’re gonna love ‘em when they get here. You know I make a mean mustardy-mayo mix with the yellow part, the yolk…

 

DIANE

(laughs) Joe, I know what a yolk is…

 

JOE

(demonstrates) Watch how I carefully cut the egg in half–the vertical way. The precision of a surgeon. Then check out how I smash up my famous mustardy-mayo mix and scoop it carefully back into that little crater in the white part.

 

 

Like putting a smushed-up baby back in its cradle. The kids used to like how I’d pop the whole thing in my mouth and eat it.

 

DIANE

And insist on talking while you ate it! It was somehow nauseating and funny at the same time…(beat) Joe, can I change the subject for a sec?

 

JOE

(holds up deviled egg) Ha! Look at that! Bee-u-tee-ful!

 

DIANE

Joe? I need to…

 

JOE

Oh, wait. It was half.

 

DIANE

Huh?

 

JOE

I just said I popped the whole thing in my mouth but come to think of it, it was only half. I mean, you have to make deviled eggs in halves. You said it yourself. “‘Cause once you cut ‘em, there’s no putting them back together.”

 

DIANE

(beat) Is there…no way?

 

JOE

Well, if you tried…Smushing. If you tried smushing the two halves together, then maybe. But you’d have to hold them really tight. You’d have to balance them just right to keep them together.

 

DIANE

(long beat. gets teary)  So… Maybe?

 

JOE

Don’t know.

 

DIANE

I don’t know either.

 

JOE

(beat) We’re not talking about eggs anymore, are we?

 

 

DIANE

I…Joe…The kids are coming over soon for brunch. Maybe we should talk about this later.

 

JOE

You brought it up. Let’s talk about it now.

 

DIANE

I thought I did but…not now. Please? You said you needed another week. To process this. Let’s take a week. Please? (no response) I…I love you.

 

JOE

Really?

 

DIANE

At least I told you.

 

JOE

After I found out.

 

DIANE

I could have lied.

 

JOE

I know when you’re lying. At least I thought I did.

 

DIANE

(beat) I still love you.

 

JOE

I know.

 

DIANE

Aren’t you supposed to say that you…

 

JOE

Do you love him?

 

DIANE

(beat) Yes.

 

JOE

That hurts.

 

DIANE

I know. I’m sorry. It’s just…

 

 

JOE

“A different kind of love.” You told me that.

 

DIANE

It is, yes.

 

JOE

Still hurts.

 

DIANE

I know.

 

JOE

No. Don’t think you do.

 

DIANE

I just…I don’t want to keep staying in this holding pattern. It’s like for years we were on this plane flying higher and higher and it was like…WEEEEE! And then the kids came on board and we kept on flying higher. Then they parachuted out and it was just us…which was okay for a while…better than okay…until it wasn’t. We stopped flying higher.  We just leveled off and every day was the same–the same walk to the mailbox every morning, the same Costco runs, the same conversations about Peter and Shelby–“Wonder when they’ll get married? Wonder when we’ll have grandkids?”  It’s like the needle on the record got stuck. And we got stuck. Up in the air in this holding pattern.

 

JOE

I hate it when you mix metaphors. (beat) So now you want to throw me out of the plane? With my record player?

 

DIANE

You know what I want.

 

JOE

You want to invite the passenger in seat 2B to stay on the plane with us.

 

DIANE

2B?

 

JOE

Or not to be.

 

DIANE

Why would you assume he was in First Class?

 

 

JOE

I assumed you thought so. And I’m…what? Wait. I know. Stuck in the last row of the plane near the bathroom in one of those seats that don’t recline. With people constantly standing in line right next to me with their butts in my face.

 

DIANE

You would like him.

 

JOE

He’s Peter’s age!

 

DIANE

I didn’t know that when I met him.

 

JOE

Which was where, exactly?

 

DIANE

I thought you didn’t want to know too many details.

 

JOE

I’ve changed. Getting out of my “holding pattern.”

 

DIANE

At the hardware store.

 

JOE

Since when do you go to the hardware store?

 

DIANE

Since you asked me to pick up that Allen wrench and those…what-do-you-call- them…those drill bits.

 

JOE

For fixing the chairs on the front porch?

 

DIANE

Yes.

 

JOE

That was…a year ago!

 

DIANE

Yes.

 

 

JOE

This has been going on for a year?

 

DIANE

Almost.

 

JOE

Whaat? Okay…I don’t get it. You and I have been together for 35 years and this guy just what…helps you to your car because you can’t seem to carry an Allen wrench and some drill bits that probably weigh less than your cell phone…and then you end up having sex?

 

DIANE

They were up on a high shelf.

 

JOE

Whaat?

 

DIANE

The stuff you asked me to get you. I couldn’t reach them.

 

JOE

Ahhh. Damsel in distress. Your prince came to your rescue?

 

DIANE

He just offered to help.

 

JOE

What was his line? “May I help you, pretty lady?”

 

DIANE

Something like that.

 

JOE

And then you had sex with him?

 

DIANE

Blow job in the parking lot.

 

JOE

WHAT THE…!!!

 

DIANE

I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Joe–you know I joke when I get nervous.

 

JOE

Jesus, Diane.

 

 

DIANE

I said I was sorry.

 

JOE

A year. Almost a year. You’ve been having sex with him for that long?

 

DIANE

Not the whole…

 

JOE

At his place or…please don’t tell me it was in our…(beat)… Are you smiling?

 

DIANE

(trying to hide a slight smile) No.

 

JOE

Oh my God. You are! You’re picturing yourself with him!

 

DIANE

Joe–I’m sorry. I’m sorry! It was involuntary.

 

JOE

Me or him.

 

DIANE

What?

 

JOE

Decide. Me or him.

 

DIANE

I can’t just…not now…I mean…It’s complicated.

 

JOE

Let me uncomplicate it for you. It’s me… Or him.

 

DIANE

Joe…The kids are coming over soon. Maybe we should just…

 

JOE

ME or… You wanna table this for another week? (no response). You know what? I don’t!  I don’t wanna go through another week of this bullshit. Slamming doors……………………………………………………………………………………………….. and

then pretending nothing’s wrong.

 

DIANE

Please, let me explain!

 

 

JOE

We took vows! In your parents’ backyard! I wasn’t sure if we’d have enough lasagna and salad and red wine for everyone…and you told me you didn’t need to eat or drink. That you could live on love. “I can live on your love!” That’s what you said.

 

DIANE

Listen. Please! What if…what if…

 

JOE

And you wore that dress…you made from your grandmother’s lace curtains. You wore curtains! Like Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind! And you looked…like an angel.

 

DIANE

Oh, Joe. I…

 

JOE

Those texts. I saw those texts you sent him. That stuff you wrote…you never say those things to me. They were so…so…intimate.

 

DIANE

You didn’t like when I said those things. For years, I tried to be more intimate, more…I don’t know…sexy, I guess.

 

JOE

I always thought you were sexy.

 

DIANE

But how would I know? You never want to have sex. Ever. I’ve tried. It’s been years…

 

JOE

You know I can’t always…

 

DIANE

I’ve tried touching you. I’ve tried saying intimate things to you…and it’s like you ignore me. Not just sexy things but “feelings things.” Like how I truly feel.

 

JOE

You know I’m not comfortable with that stuff. I told you I loved you. Since when wasn’t that enough? (long beat) The deviled eggs are done.  I think these might be my best batch yet.

 

DIANE

Joe…What if…what if…we came up with something that…works for both of us? (no response) What if…you and I stay together and…

 

 

JOE

Yeah, these do look good.

 

DIANE

…we keep on going the same way? I mean, what if…

 

JOE

Stop! Diane, just stop! You wanna go on the same way? Wasn’t it the “sameness” in our lives that drove you away from me in the first place?

 

DIANE

I meant, with…

 

JOE

Don’t say his name. Let’s call him “Richard.” ‘Cause you know what his nickname will be…

 

DIANE

What if…okay. What if ..(picks up two deviled eggs) The halves won’t stick together, right? What if…“Richard”…becomes the…I don’t know…the toothpick that holds them together?

 

JOE

Richard becomes…A “DICK PICK???”

 

DIANE

JOE!!!

 

JOE

Don’t “Joe!” me! And how exactly do you propose this would work?

 

DIANE

The way it’s worked for the past year…?

 

JOE

You sneaking around behind my back and…

 

DIANE

I don’t want us to be over. I just want “us” to be more than the two of us…

 

JOE

(stands up)  I’m going out for a walk.

 

DIANE

Now???

 

 

JOE

To clear my head.

 

DIANE

Joe, please.

 

JOE

Where’s my sweater?  (looks around)

 

DIANE

The kids are coming over any minute.

 

JOE

I could’ve sworn I left it by the front door.

 

DIANE

Joe, please! Don’t go.

 

JOE

It’s gotta be around here somewhere…

 

DIANE

Can’t we just…???

 

JOE

Can’t we just whaat? You want me to stay? Fine. Make a decision.

 

DIANE

The kids are going to walk through that door any…

 

JOE

Let me help you. I want you. You should want me, too. Only me. Your husband of 35 years. The father of your children. (beat) Okay. Your turn. Decide. Me or Him?

 

DIANE

I do want you! And I want…(beat) Do you need another week? You can have another…

 

JOE

What I need…is an answer.

 

DIANE

Let’s take another week. The kids…

 

JOE

Decide. Now. ME. OR. HIM.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DOORBELL RINGS.

 

 

 

END OF PLAY

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

Bio:

Internationally acclaimed motivational speaker and best-selling author Karen Siff Exkorn is the author of The Autism Sourcebook (HarperCollins 2005) and the parody Fifty Two Shades of Blue-ish (Orange Press 2012).  She is a contributing writer for Huffington Post, Thrive Global and Today.com. Karen’s multi-media piece, “Body & Soul,” and her play, “Who’s They” had world premieres in NYC. Her solo play “Do This” has been optioned for a Broadway run.